Gabrielle: "What are you writing?" Aphrodite: " ‘Patient is hostile and insecure, possibly masking some latent tendencies.'" Gabrielle: "This is stupid." Aphrodite: "No, I'm sorry. Look, no more scroll, alright?"

Gabrielle: " ‘Latent tendencies'? Where did you learn to talk like that?"
Aphrodite: "Honey, don't let the blond hair fool you. Although bombastic forms of circumlocution should be generally avoided, one mustn't shy away from big words in the right context."
Gabrielle: "What?"
Aphrodite: "Nothing. Please continue."
Gabrielle: "Where did I leave off?"
Aphrodite: "Shrunken horse."
Gabrielle: "Right. Hmm ..."

Gabrielle: "What happened to you?!" Lachrymose: "Divine retribution. That's what happened." Gabrielle: "Who are you?" Lachrymose: "Lachrymose ... God of Despair."

Lachrymose: Can't you read? ‘Property of Lachrymose.' You used my spring to wash your horse. Next, you'll be stabling him in my temple."
Gabrielle: "I ... I'm so sorry. You gotta admit, that dedication is hard to spot. Okay, it was an honest mistake. Can't you change her back? Please. This isn't my horse! It's Xena's. You've heard of her, right?"
Lachrymose: (shakes head)
Gabrielle: "She's killed thousands of men, and in the mood she's in right now, she will not think this is funny."
Lachrymose: "So? I've never laughed in my whole life."
Gabrielle: "You're kidding?"
Lachrymose: "I wish I was. But, I've never done that, either."
Gabrielle: "I can make you laugh. I bet I could."
Lachrymose: "I hate puns or jokes or riddles."
Gabrielle: "I tell stories -- true stories. Let's say, if I can make you laugh, you make Argo large again. Deal?"
Lachrymose: "Well, you can try, but I doubt it will work."
Gabrielle: "Alright, just don't underestimate me. Xena does that. In fact ... you're gonna love this! There was this time when she was trying to warn me against catching this rabbit ..."

---

Gabrielle: "You're such a cute little rabbit ... Uh oh ..." -- In Sickness & In Hell

---

Gabrielle: "It's funny now, but at the time, I was just a big carrot stick!"
Lachrymose: "And that's ... it?"
Gabrielle: "No. No, I'm just warming up. Yep."

---

Baby: "WHAAAAHHHHH!!!!!"
Joxer: "Kid's got staying power ... some set of lungs."
Xena: "What?"
Joxer: "I said, ‘some set of lungs.'"
Xena: "I can't hear you!"
Joxer: " ‘Some set of lungs'!"
Xena: "Oh yeah, swell."

Xena: "Hey ... kootchie-kootchie-koo!" Mother: "Oh, did that mean ole warrior princess scare you?" Joxer: "Nice move." Xena: "Are you kidding me? I scared it mute! What kind of mother am I going to make?"

Joxer: "Oh, come on, Xena. You're terrific with kids."
Xena: "Gabrielle never told you about King Gregor's child, huh? ..."

---

Look, I may not be nanny material, but you try babysitting through a sword fight. -- Cradle of Hope

---

Xena: "So?"
Joxer: ‘So, your method's a little unorthodox. Doesn't mean it's not full of love and concern, you know?"
Xena: "You think?"
Joxer: "Sure."
Xena: "Maybe you're right. After all, how much do kids cry, anyway?"
Baby: "WAAAHHHHH!!!!!"

---

Gabrielle: "That little rascal stole all of Cupid's arrows and went on a shooting spree ..."

---

I'm talking about Baby Bliss. You know -- Cupid and Psyche's son. If you get hit with one of those arrows, you fall in love with the first person you see ... I thought it was cute ... until I became the bull's-eye ...

Gabrielle: "Xena?"
Xena: "Gabrielle?"
Gabrielle: "Xena?"
Joxer: "Blecch! Tastes like sweat! Does yours?" -- Comedy of Eros

---

Lachrymose: "Well, I guess you had to be there. Huh?" Gabrielle: "Alright, let's find out what kind of humor you do like ... Slapstick? ..."

---

Gabrielle: "Have faith ... (Xena's kite falls on poor Gabs)" -- A Day in the Life

*** Joxer tries to pull a bucket off his foot and manages to hit himself in the head with it. -- Intimate Stranger

*** Xena throws an eel at Gabrielle. -- A Day in the Life

Gabrielle: "Shee-ya! ... (Gab throws a plate chakram-style which ricochets off the jail cell bars and knocks her upside the head)." -- King of Assassins

---

Gabrielle: "What about action? Yeah? Everybody loves a good chase sequence ..."

---

Like the time we went to India. I don't get that place ... (Indrajit chases Gabs through the streets on his flying carpet) ... Maybe that's India's way of rolling out the red carpet. -- The Way

---

Lachrymose: (yawns)
Gabrielle: "Moving right along ... how about a little romantic comedy, eh?"

---

Gabrielle: "Look! Cherries! I love cherries."
Draco: "Me too."
Gabrielle: "Did I mention I'm a widow?" -- Comedy of Eros

Joxer: "There's no reason why we can't be adults about this and have a little fun ... (grabs Xena's lovely posterior)."
Xena: "Are you suicidal?!"
Joxer: "Oh, don't worry, Xena. I've got just what you need, and plenty of it, too ... Oof!" -- Warrior ... Princess ... Tramp

Joxer: "Gaia like Attus?"
Gabrielle: "Attus is quite a surprise. Here, put something on." -- Fins, Femmes & Gems

Aphrodite: "Are you kidding? Honey, god or no god, lachrymose is still a man. You should have tried a little sex appeal. It's the only way to truly entertain the weaker sex." Gabrielle: "I tried that ..."

---

Autolycus: (collared and bound by a leather-clad Velasca) "Well, nothing like a woman's touch." -- The Quest

Xena: (emerging from a lake ... naked) "Didn't your mother ever teach you it's rude to stare?" -- Altared States

Autolycus: "Hey! I paid for an hour." -- The Quest

*** The infamous three naked Gabrielle's ... Thank you, Joxer! -- The Quill is Mightier

---

Gabrielle: "What is this?!" Aphrodite: "You know! Slumber-party mode! It's the only way to really talk about sex." Gabrielle: "I feel ridiculous!" Aphrodite: "Want me to pierce your ear?" Gabrielle: "No!"

Aphrodite: "So, let me ask you this -- isn't all this story telling an awful lot like writing?"
Gabrielle: "It's similar. But, with writing, it's like talking to yourself. It's a way that you can work things out. Of course, I know now exactly who I am."
Aphrodite: "So, then, who cares? Why write?"
Gabrielle: "Haven't you ever had a creative impulse that's like a bad itch, and you just have to keep working on it until you get it out?"
Aphrodite: "Of course! Who do you think accessorizes all of these outfits? Someone's got to put those shoes with that jacket and so on."
Gabrielle: (sarcastically) "I'm glad you understand."
Aphrodite: "That's what I'm here for."

Aphrodite: "So, what did Xena do when she found out about the horse?"
Gabrielle: "Xena and I are best friends. There aren't any secrets between us."
Aphrodite: "Hmm. You stalled, huh?"
Gabrielle: "Exactly ..."

Baby: "WHHAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!"
Xena: "What is taking her so long? Joxer, just pay the bill."
Joxer: "I can't. Gabrielle took my money. Let's get her!"
Xena: "Yeah!"

Big Oaf: "Hey! Watch it, woman! Hey, aren't you Xena War-Warrior Princess, who jailed the bloody warlord Tay-Taygar?"
Xena: "What of it?"
Big Oaf: "Taygar's my brother. Prepare to die! ... Oof!"
Gabrielle: "What's with him?"
Xena: "Family problems."
Joxer: "I blame the parents."

Gabrielle: "How was your meal?" Xena: "A little too much salt." Gabrielle: "Uh ... unfortunately, there's been a slight delay, Xena. You're never gonna guess why."

Joxer: "Let me guess, first, you got your nails done, then you went to your ballet lessons."
Gabrielle: "No. But, you get the supplies and meet me at the spring. I'll be there ready to go."

---

Lachrymose: "Guess she must have just pulled free and wandered away."
Gabrielle: "She's gone?! Argo's gone?!"