Gabrielle: "Think, Gabrielle, think. There's got to be a way out of this. What made me think I could be a good queen?" Xena: "Your heart."

Gabrielle: "Did you pack?"
Xena: "Yeah, almost done. Listen, Eris found some of your scrolls in my saddlebag."
Gabrielle: "I must have left them there at the last camp. You can leave them in the hut, Xena."
Xena: "That's just it, I can't. I read 'em."

Gabrielle: "You read my scrolls?" Xena: "I always said I would." Gabrielle: "I didn't think that … well?" Xena: "I think that anyone who writes like you can - who can find grace and meaning in everything that happens - she's sure to make a wonderful queen, and that's worth sticking around to see."

Xena: "So, what's this I hear about a Royal Challenge between you and Joxer?"
Gabrielle: "Joxer was caught kissing Rhea. I have to fight him to the death. It's Amazon law, Xena. There's no other way."
Xena: "They're certain to want a good show."
Gabrielle: "They're not kidding."
Xena: "You won't have to kill him."
Gabrielle: "Why not?"
Xena: "'Cause I will."

Joxer: "Xena's got something cooking. I know it. Look, she's not going to let me get killed over a kiss and she's not going to let you get banished."
Rhea: "I'm sorry, Joxer. None of this would have happened if I hadn't wanted a baby so much."
Joxer: "What's the big rush?"
Rhea: "I've never felt as strong as I do when I hold Eve. It's like I could take on anyone, do anything, for someone so helpless and sweet. But, having my own baby seemed so impossible … until you came along."
Joxer: "Oh, I get it. I was a sexual object, used and then tossed away. The baloney pony. A disposable stud … Alright!"

Joxer: "Uh, look, you're young. You have plenty of time to have children, and you'll feel just as strong." Rhea: "Thanks, Joxer. But, I doubt if I'll ever find out." Cyane: "Time to die, Pervert."

Cyane: "Remember our heritage, Sisters. Our customs are steeped in traditions passed down from as far back as the Great Cyane herself."
Gabrielle: "Cyane is right. Sometimes the old ways are best. In keeping with tradition, I am invoking the age-old provision allowing the Queen's Champion to fight in her place."
Cyane: "But that rule only applies if the Queen's ill or injured."
Gabrielle: "It's at the Queen's discretion. Therefore, I bestow my right to fight upon my appointed Champion … Xena!"

Joxer: "See, I told you she had a plan."
Rhea: "Yeah, she plans to kill you."

Xena: "Before we begin, I'd like a run down on the rules." Cyane: "In the fight to the death, there is only one rule - someone must die." Xena: "Sounds simple enough."

Gabrielle: "Is everybody ready? … Let the fight begin!" - Xena and Joxer are ushered towards a wrestling ring.

Xena: "I am Xena, the Ultimate Woman, versus Joxer, the Ultimate Meatball! And I will crush his head like a peanut between the thighs of Do-o-o-o-m!"
Joxer: "Oh, yeah … Many call her 'Xena, the Champ' --"
Xena: "That's right."
Joxer: "But I call her 'Xena, the Chump!'"
Gabrielle: "Come on, girl!"
Joxer: "In Round 1, I will mash her between the jaws of death! In Round 2, I will crush her in the ultimate hold! In Round 3 … there is no Round 3!"

Xena: "Oh, no, you don't. Now, I will penetrate his brain with the great, wet willy!" Joxer: "No! Not the wet willy! … Aagh!"

Joxer: (having been sufficiently tossed around) "Doggone it! … (hauls off and lands three punches on an unsuspecting Xena) … Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Xena: "What constitutes death? For instance, I just stopped the flow of blood to his brain."
Cyane: "He's still moving."
Xena: "Quite right. We'll fix that … (gives a sharp blow to Joxer's chest) … How's that?"
Eris: "I can still see him breathing."
Xena: (performs a Three Stooges move on Joxer's nose)
Cyane: "His heart's still beating."
Xena: (performs nipple twist on poor Joxer)
Cyane: "His heart stopped. The man's dead. Our laws have been upheld."
Xena: "Now, step back, Sweetie." - Undoes the damage to poor, dead Joxer and pulls him up to his feet.

Cyane: "You tricked us!"
Xena: "You pronounced him dead yourself. Nothing says he has to stay dead."
Cyane: "But, our laws --"
Gabrielle: "Should be changed … when they make someone die for a kiss."
Rhea: "Or get banished."
Eris: "Or get an eye gouged out for getting an eyeful of use."

Cyane: "All I wanted was to keep us strong, keep our heritage alive. I thought that's what we needed … what you wanted. My apologies to you and the tribe, and I humbly ask for your permission to leave it."
Gabrielle: "Permission denied. You love this tribe, Cyane. They need you … especially since I'll be leaving … with Xena."

Eris: "Guess you won't be needing a new sidekick after all."
Xena: "I'm afraid not."

Xena: (Joxer finally collapses) "Every time you turn his brain off …"

Gabrielle: "I bet they make Cyane Queen at the next Full Moon."
Xena: "You alright with that?"
Gabrielle: "Do you mean will I miss being caked in mud howling at the moon?"
Xena: "Well, will you?"
Gabrielle: "No. I think she'll do - she'll do pretty well, now that she's loosened up a bit."
Xena: "She won't do as well as you."
Gabrielle: "Well, she'll look better in those antlers."
Xena: "And mud."

Gabrielle: "Where are we going next?" Xena: "Well, I had in mind … a cruise down the Nile." Gabrielle: "Really? Camel racing in Alexandria?" Xena: "I know someone we can stay with."

DISCLAIMER: Many Cinnamon Swirls lost their lives during the making of Gabrielle's headdress.