Gabrielle: "Do you deny spying on these women?"
Joxer: "I resent that."
Gabrielle: "Do you deny it?"
Joxer: "No, I just resent it."
Gabrielle: "Put him in the stocks to await the Queen's judgment. Go!"

Xena: "You know, I counted on him and he let me down."
Gabrielle: (redirecting Xena's attention to more important matters) "If we build a porch around this side …"

Joxer: "Oh, my spine … Oh, cute kids."
Kids: "Pervert. Loser. Fat creep. Pervert. Loser. Fat creep."
Joxer: "I'm not fat! I'm not fat you little monsters!"

Rhea: (to Eve) "Hello. I brought something for you. You're so lucky to have a mommy like Xena. I never knew my parents. You know, if I had a daughter, I'd love her just as much as your mommy loves you. Of course, first I have to get close to a man, which isn't easy when you're an Amazon."

Joxer: "Hi. Hello. Can you help me, please? … Okay … Hi. Please, can you help me?"
Eris: "Hey, Fat Pervert, what do you want?"
Joxer: "Listen, I need to go."
Eris: "Forget it."

Joxer: "No, wait! I didn't explain myself. I need to use the little warrior's room. Look, you can either take me to those bushes over there, or … help me by dropping my pants right here … Ow!"

Joxer: "Hey, wait! Look … can you please just get Xena?"
Eris: "Xena is busy and so am I."
Joxer: "Look, just tell Xena I'm here and she'll come."
Eris: "Xena say she never saw you in her entire life."
Joxer: "Sweetie, I'm Joxer the Mighty. I'm Xena's best pal."
Eris: "If you know Xena so well, then tell me about her. What's her favorite weapon? What does she like to …"
Joxer: "I have a situation here!"
Eris: "You help me, and I'll help you."
Joxer: "Okay, fine. Whatever you want to know."
Eris: "Well, uh, for starters … what does Xena look for in a sidekick?"
Joxer: "Well, um, lots of flips would be good, and a good war cry is always tops on her list."
Eris: "Thanks, Joxer." - Walks off."
Joxer: "You're welcome. Now, could you - listen, if you could please help me with - Hello, could you - Hi …"

Cyane: "I had a man before I joined the Amazons." Rhea: "It's tough for an Amazon to meet men." Eris: "I'm a virgin and I'm going to stay that way forever." Xena: "Forever's a long time."

Rhea: "What's it like - being with a man?"
Xena: "The good news is, it's different every time. The bad news is, it's different every time. You're always hoping for Greek Fire, but sometimes you just get diddly."

Gabrielle: "Xena has studied the subject more than I have, but what I think she's trying to say is that some people are better lovers than others."

Rhea: "What makes a man a good lover? Being gentle and kind?"
Xena: "No."
Gabrielle: "Yes ... It's a complicated subject."
Xena: "You'll figure out what suits you best as you get older."
Rhea: "But, how can I? Every time we see a man, they want to kill us. How can we meet nice guys - even not-so-nice guys? It seems like a lost cause."

Eris: "You don't need a man unless you want a baby, and we've got Eve to play with." Rhea: "Not for long. They're taking Eve with them when they go."

Gabrielle: Actually, we're considering settling down here."
Eris: "You mean, you might stay? Great! We have to start making preparations. We need a formal coronation for our new Queen."
Xena: "Actually, I think we're moving a little fast here."
Gabrielle: "Right - we're only considering staying here."

Joxer: (to Rhea) "Oh, hi. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to look at you. I don't even like looking at naked girls. I don't. Can you please get Xena? I've been here a really long time. I'm so sor-- … (Rhea bares her barely covered body) … Hello, name's Joxer. Spelled J-O-X-E-Rrrrrr. Know what I mean? I'm a warrior. I've killed a lot of people. That turn you on, killing people?"

Xena: (horn bellows) "What was that?!" Gabrielle: "Was that you? … (horn bellows) … That's the ram's horn. The Amazons use it to call the Queen to the ceremonies. I've been encouraging them to respect their traditions." Xena: (horn bellows) "That's ridiculous." Gabrielle: "I'm going."

Xena: "You know what, Gabrielle? I don't think this is going to work. What am I supposed to do around here all day while you're off 'Queening'?"
Gabrielle: "Relax."
Xena: "Yeah, that's me."
Gabrielle: "You could try cleaning the place up a bit, playing with your daughter - unless you just want to hunt and kill something."
Xena: "Yeah - I might just do that."
Gabrielle: (horn bellows) "I'm going."

Xena: "Oh, Evie … you know what? One day all this will be yours. Mind you … here you're safe from the Greek gods. Gabrielle is happy. Place is loaded with babysitters - could work."

Xena: "What are you doing sneaking around here?"
Eris: "I thought that if I could sneak up on you, I could be your new sidekick. I know I can do it. I mean, I can fight. I can jump. And, I can do thirty of these (push-ups)."
Xena: "But, can you clean?"

Cyane: "Come on, Pervert! … Queen Gabrielle!"
Gabrielle: (snoozing on her throne) "Hmm, not tonight … uh … For spying on naked Amazons, I sentence you to one day in that block. Counting time already served, you may be released after lunch."
Cyane: "You said yourself that it was important that we respect tradition."
Gabrielle: "Tradition is important."
Cyane: "You are ignoring what the ancient Amazon Code says about spying on Amazons while they bathe."
Gabrielle: "I wouldn't want to ignore the Code. What is the proscribed punishment?
Cyane: " 'If a man shall look on an Amazon's natural grace without her permission, he shall lose an eye.'"
Joxer: "Wait a minute! I'm attached to my eyes. Both of them!"